Happiness is a State of Mind

I've Learned That Happiness is a State of Mind
Author Sue Henley

I just had my 25th wedding anniversary. What an accomplishment.

I've only contemplated divorce about 1 million times over the last 25 years, so you can imagine my surprise over reaching this milestone. I have been complaining about this man for about 9,125 days....give or take a few days. My life is not how I envisioned it. Every major fight we've ever had has been over money. How you fight about something you don't have is beyond me.

There was also the big fight over the candle light dinner I fixed.......it seems he wants to see what he eats! He has seldom paid me a compliment. He rarely buys me presents. He won't learn how to massage my back. He won't wear shorts or swim trunks. We have only been on one family vacation in 25 years. He has never disciplined our girls, thus leaving me as the repeated bad guy! He refuses to go grocery shopping and continues to sneak and smoke after a bilateral carotid endartectomy. AND he spends way too much time in his recliner!

This same man wouldn't miss a day of work unless he was half dead and he hands over his check every payday. He would drive day and night to pick up either of our girls if they needed him. He loves my mom and Granny almost as much as I do. If you called him and said, "I'm Sue's friend, we've never met and my car won't start".........he would be out of the door in a flash to help you out. What an incredible father he has been. I know he loves our girls as much as I do! He has never complained about how much I've spent on either child....no matter how out of budget I went. Since he knows how I hate to cook....he hasn't complained (much) about the 20,000 fast food meals we've consumed.

He almost drowned as a child....which is why he doesn't swim.......and maybe if we didn't make fun of his ultra white legs.....he'd wear shorts. He doesn't drink alcohol and is forbidden to use the words that are unacceptable to children's ears (and mine). He hates to leave our sleepy little town.....but, encourages me to go where I want to and he always seems happy to see me as I make it back up the driveway.

I cannot begin to tell you the number of conversations I've had with God about him. "Lord, I'm so UNhappy. Life is too short and I know you don't want me to be UNhappy!" He'd whisper....."Make yourself happy with him, Sue" "I can't live with him another minute, Lord. You're up there watching the whole vast universe and I don't think you see me down here, miserable!" "Oh, I see you. I'm here, always and forever. Speak to me." "I am speaking to you! I want to have some peace in my life, you know, Lord....but I don't want you mad at me! He's driving me crazy!" "And he's doing what?" "First of all....he's breathing my air!" "THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, SUE!"

I spent so many years praying for God to change him. God doesn't play fair sometimes. It seems that all along God was changing me. I had to come face to face with the fact that 'submissiveness' just isn't my best quality. (Not even close!) But, I spend a small part of each day working on it. I was so busy with my girls and my life that I didn't realize how little of myself I gave to him. I concentrated on the fact that we were polar opposites and he would never be able to fill that part of me that needed filled. I didn't realize I wasn't playing fair either because I hadn't reached into myself to give him the part of me that needed nurturing. The poor man was walking in the dark. He didn't have a clue. I think we both wondered if love was enough.

We were at a family reunion and someone asked where he was. I gleefully told them he was working overtime! Someone said, "Poor Leonard." It's become a family joke to say "Poor Leonard" because it grates on my last nerve! My own mother looked at me and said, "Do you notice no one ever says, "Poor Sue"? It felt like ice water had been dumped on my head. It was SO very true! That day my eyes started to open. So, at the ripe old age of 47, I've learned that happiness is a state of mind.

You can be hopelessly in love and decide you don't want to be happy. He still does things that drive me totally over the edge. But, I am receiving the nuturing that I have so long desired. I made up my mind that's he's not responsible for my happiness with him.....I am. I can hold grudges over what he's not done or done badly....or I embrace all the fine things he does so well.

So this morning, and hopefully every morning for the next 50 years, I choose to keep my family whole, to love with all my heart and please God and myself.
Sue Henley doupray2@charter.net

I hope it comes through that I love that man! I always have.....I just appreciate him more now! I think through my stories you've met all my family now! Tiffany will be 15 next month and Shanna is 23. I'm very blessed! 2001 copyright *********************************************************************

How is your Heart?

Hi world, am back! am back to writing again...my fingers are typing so fast that I dunno what they shall "say" next! Crazy huh?

I started this year with apprehension.. giving up a love that so fulfilled me was the biggest battle i had to face. I gave him up in January.. ached for him for so long.. that i couldnt write..because, how do you write a mourn? a tear? a scream?! Time does heal wounds..

Yesterday my friend came online whilst i was on Yahoo and asked me this question... How is your heart? I dunno why but I stuttered for a while.. looking for words that would explain how my heart was and all i could come up with is fine.

I should have said..
My heart is grateful for dear life... my family and the small everyday miracles.
My heart yearns for a good John Grisham.. on a lazy Saturday..
My heart yearns for peace for those who lost their loved ones in the KQ crash..
My heart yearns for direction.. what in the world am i doing with my life???
My heart yearns for a better job... more challenging!
My heart yearns for my projects to open up...
My heart yearns for a deeper understanding/relationship with my maker...
My heart yearns for days when i would be a little gal again.
My heart yearns for slow days filled with trees, birds chirping...and lots of dark clouds!

The Irony of my life...

So I made a prayer that I desire to experience love in its extremity…
Then I met you…
And as forbidden as it was...
No matter how much we both fought ...we seemed powerless to this pull…
Its now months past since I let you in my life...
My mention of you in my prayers is for you to leave...
Ironical it is… to find love; finally throw caution to the wind…
Yet, desperately long for freedom… for normalcy …
For my life as it was!
You are not a drain in my life…
You are a gain…….
Yet… longingly and desperately I search for an exit…
I wish I could wake up the day before I met you...
Continue living without the knowledge that I have the capacity to love like this….
Despite my strength,
In spite of myself…
Should you gather the strength… please leave…
Crazy as it sounds, I know it would be best yet, deep down I would rather you stayed…
But…
But...
But…

How come?!

Life seems to curve itself differently from your childhood conceptions...


That a father can negotiate with a rapist and have an out of court settlement without a glance at his hurting child……


That after 5-7 years of marriage most couples get disconnected from each other?


That the older you get, the harder it is to look at things as black or white... there is almost always a grey area...

That HIV/AIDS robs the best of the society; the ones who slipped up once or twice…but the blatantly licentious ones manage to escape its grasp…

That we live in a society where satisfaction is becoming extinct... always looking for a new challenge...a new high... better pay… better car… better relationship.

That the rate of infidelity is growing at an alarming rate… lack of satisfaction, trust, do we understand relationships differently from how our parents did?

That parents and children are losing out on their relationships; both concentrating on their short-lived desires….

That religion can now be twisted to fit our lifestyles instead of us conforming to our faith...

That stress related ailments are the order of the day; an indication of dissatisfaction..

That the person looking back at you in the mirror almost has no recollection of their originality… Image is supreme…. The intrinsic person has been wiped out.

That death visits us more frequently but yet... we still manage to live as though we shall never die.

New beginning…

\Call up your folks, go see them…
\Tell your siblings you love them…
\Love the one your with and forget the one in your head!
\Enjoy what you do... look for some hobby that fulfills you...
\Get in touch with your maker; whoever you perceive him to be.
\Look for meaning in your life!

I am a Christian...

When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,Now I'm found and forgiven.

"When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failedAnd need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Christians - By Maya Angelou

Are you a milker or milk drinker?

Milking the Opportunity

I worked for less than six months at the factory. It was a short stint that brought me down to earth with a resounding thud. The grand designs and illusions I had concerning me and my working career came crashing down. I think God knew I urgently needed that detour. It taught me a lot about success, opportunity, advancement and achievement.

At this famous factory I met a messenger who had worked there for 17 years. I was a brand new upwardly mobile executive proudly working my way into management. This human being (the messenger) did not strike me as much of a threat - least of all as a threat to my career. At most he would have been a stepping stone. However, by and by, I came to discover, that this minor being lived in his own house 50 kilometres away, owned three manyangas (latest edition public transport vehicles) and, of course, owned a piece of land on which he kept some dairy cattle... But he was just a messenger who (in my opinion) could not possibly have any coherent ambitions in life leave alone of a corporate career.

I had serious difficulty reconciling my thoughts about this fellow and I finally gathered the courage to confront him with his obviously incongruent achievements. Meanwhile, I was driving an attractive mid-range reconditioned automobile (company loan) that was popular among young executives with an insatiable desire for petrol, lived in suitable area in town (rented house), owned a TV (bank overdraft) and a recently acquired fridge (hire purchase). I was also in the process of securing more credit to buy the latest sofa set to complete my house furnishings... Just to help you identify with my pain and internal turmoil, this fellow's (messenger) gross salary was equivalent to what I paid in tax, yet he had achieved during his career what I hoped to achieve at the end of mine.

If you were me you would need to confront this fellow in order to maintain your sanity. And of course confirm that he was not a threat to your career. I did. I caught up with him one day and asked rather cheekily; What are you doing here?... Judging from what I hear you don't need this job. What are you doing here?...What he answered me was classic. You will never get this response anywhere, except from a person with messengerial tendencies. He said....
Young man all those things out there...house, matatus, shamba and all...were born out of this job and as we speak right now I have not milked all the opportunities this job provides me. If they (management) ask me to go I will go happily. But before they do I am going to milk as much from this opportunity as I can...
The words sank deep, hard and convicting. No - this fellow was not a threat to my career. I - was a threat to my own career! I may not have worked for 17 years but I was definitely passed half way. At the rate at which I was accumulating debt I would have to struggle to reach zero before I could own anything. All the while I thought my career was advancing nicely up the corporate ranks. Instead of milking the opportunity I was busy drinking the milk. I was prospering in a manner that threatened my Personal Development.

...Do you know what is so unfair about all this? It is the fact that the "small guys" are always better at milking than the "big guys". In fact I doubt whether any of the big guys know how to milk. If a cow stood in front of a big guy he would not know what it is. How do we become so blind to opportunity!?... If I would have it this fellow was indeed a "stepping stone" to my success.

Excerpt from My First Job, ISBN9966-809-07-4 By Allan Bukusi.
Reproduced with permission get the book from Book Point Nairobi or contact mdi@mdi.co.ke

Letting go…

The storm brewed… the trees swayed to the song of the wind...
She ran across the fields her hair flying with the wind…
Her tears trailed down her cheeks……
She bit her lip hard to stop the scream that threatened to rip from inside her being!
Why? She asked God shouting at the ominous clouds above…
Her mind fleeted back to the talks they had had...
The openness of their conversations…
The ways his eyes lit in mischief…
The curl of his lips, hinting a smile…
For a second she smiled remembering him...
In remembrance of a man who made her feel alive ...
Why! She asked again her sobs tearing at her...
The rain started falling as if in answer to her plea…
She stood in the rain...
Her arms outstretched in surrender...
Her body swaying to the howl of the wind...
Her tears were now mingled with the raindrops…
And with each clasp of thunder…
Her body shuddered in response….
A single leaf fell from the sky to her open palm.
As if a response from the almighty.
Clasping the leaf she trod back home.