So I made a prayer that I desire to experience love in its extremity…
Then I met you…
And as forbidden as it was...
No matter how much we both fought ...we seemed powerless to this pull…
Its now months past since I let you in my life...
My mention of you in my prayers is for you to leave...
Ironical it is… to find love; finally throw caution to the wind…
Yet, desperately long for freedom… for normalcy …
For my life as it was!
You are not a drain in my life…
You are a gain…….
Yet… longingly and desperately I search for an exit…
I wish I could wake up the day before I met you...
Continue living without the knowledge that I have the capacity to love like this….
Despite my strength,
In spite of myself…
Should you gather the strength… please leave…
Crazy as it sounds, I know it would be best yet, deep down I would rather you stayed…
But…
But...
But…
Monday, December 04, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
How come?!
Life seems to curve itself differently from your childhood conceptions...
That a father can negotiate with a rapist and have an out of court settlement without a glance at his hurting child……
That after 5-7 years of marriage most couples get disconnected from each other?
That the older you get, the harder it is to look at things as black or white... there is almost always a grey area...
That HIV/AIDS robs the best of the society; the ones who slipped up once or twice…but the blatantly licentious ones manage to escape its grasp…
That we live in a society where satisfaction is becoming extinct... always looking for a new challenge...a new high... better pay… better car… better relationship.
That the rate of infidelity is growing at an alarming rate… lack of satisfaction, trust, do we understand relationships differently from how our parents did?
That parents and children are losing out on their relationships; both concentrating on their short-lived desires….
That religion can now be twisted to fit our lifestyles instead of us conforming to our faith...
That stress related ailments are the order of the day; an indication of dissatisfaction..
That the person looking back at you in the mirror almost has no recollection of their originality… Image is supreme…. The intrinsic person has been wiped out.
That death visits us more frequently but yet... we still manage to live as though we shall never die.
New beginning…
\Call up your folks, go see them…
\Tell your siblings you love them…
\Love the one your with and forget the one in your head!
\Enjoy what you do... look for some hobby that fulfills you...
\Get in touch with your maker; whoever you perceive him to be.
\Look for meaning in your life!
That a father can negotiate with a rapist and have an out of court settlement without a glance at his hurting child……
That after 5-7 years of marriage most couples get disconnected from each other?
That the older you get, the harder it is to look at things as black or white... there is almost always a grey area...
That HIV/AIDS robs the best of the society; the ones who slipped up once or twice…but the blatantly licentious ones manage to escape its grasp…
That we live in a society where satisfaction is becoming extinct... always looking for a new challenge...a new high... better pay… better car… better relationship.
That the rate of infidelity is growing at an alarming rate… lack of satisfaction, trust, do we understand relationships differently from how our parents did?
That parents and children are losing out on their relationships; both concentrating on their short-lived desires….
That religion can now be twisted to fit our lifestyles instead of us conforming to our faith...
That stress related ailments are the order of the day; an indication of dissatisfaction..
That the person looking back at you in the mirror almost has no recollection of their originality… Image is supreme…. The intrinsic person has been wiped out.
That death visits us more frequently but yet... we still manage to live as though we shall never die.
New beginning…
\Call up your folks, go see them…
\Tell your siblings you love them…
\Love the one your with and forget the one in your head!
\Enjoy what you do... look for some hobby that fulfills you...
\Get in touch with your maker; whoever you perceive him to be.
\Look for meaning in your life!
Monday, October 23, 2006
I am a Christian...
When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,Now I'm found and forgiven.
"When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failedAnd need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!
Christians - By Maya Angelou
"I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,Now I'm found and forgiven.
"When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failedAnd need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian
"I'm not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!
Christians - By Maya Angelou
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Are you a milker or milk drinker?
Milking the Opportunity
I worked for less than six months at the factory. It was a short stint that brought me down to earth with a resounding thud. The grand designs and illusions I had concerning me and my working career came crashing down. I think God knew I urgently needed that detour. It taught me a lot about success, opportunity, advancement and achievement.
At this famous factory I met a messenger who had worked there for 17 years. I was a brand new upwardly mobile executive proudly working my way into management. This human being (the messenger) did not strike me as much of a threat - least of all as a threat to my career. At most he would have been a stepping stone. However, by and by, I came to discover, that this minor being lived in his own house 50 kilometres away, owned three manyangas (latest edition public transport vehicles) and, of course, owned a piece of land on which he kept some dairy cattle... But he was just a messenger who (in my opinion) could not possibly have any coherent ambitions in life leave alone of a corporate career.
I had serious difficulty reconciling my thoughts about this fellow and I finally gathered the courage to confront him with his obviously incongruent achievements. Meanwhile, I was driving an attractive mid-range reconditioned automobile (company loan) that was popular among young executives with an insatiable desire for petrol, lived in suitable area in town (rented house), owned a TV (bank overdraft) and a recently acquired fridge (hire purchase). I was also in the process of securing more credit to buy the latest sofa set to complete my house furnishings... Just to help you identify with my pain and internal turmoil, this fellow's (messenger) gross salary was equivalent to what I paid in tax, yet he had achieved during his career what I hoped to achieve at the end of mine.
If you were me you would need to confront this fellow in order to maintain your sanity. And of course confirm that he was not a threat to your career. I did. I caught up with him one day and asked rather cheekily; What are you doing here?... Judging from what I hear you don't need this job. What are you doing here?...What he answered me was classic. You will never get this response anywhere, except from a person with messengerial tendencies. He said....
Young man all those things out there...house, matatus, shamba and all...were born out of this job and as we speak right now I have not milked all the opportunities this job provides me. If they (management) ask me to go I will go happily. But before they do I am going to milk as much from this opportunity as I can...
The words sank deep, hard and convicting. No - this fellow was not a threat to my career. I - was a threat to my own career! I may not have worked for 17 years but I was definitely passed half way. At the rate at which I was accumulating debt I would have to struggle to reach zero before I could own anything. All the while I thought my career was advancing nicely up the corporate ranks. Instead of milking the opportunity I was busy drinking the milk. I was prospering in a manner that threatened my Personal Development.
...Do you know what is so unfair about all this? It is the fact that the "small guys" are always better at milking than the "big guys". In fact I doubt whether any of the big guys know how to milk. If a cow stood in front of a big guy he would not know what it is. How do we become so blind to opportunity!?... If I would have it this fellow was indeed a "stepping stone" to my success.
Excerpt from My First Job, ISBN9966-809-07-4 By Allan Bukusi.
Reproduced with permission get the book from Book Point Nairobi or contact mdi@mdi.co.ke
I worked for less than six months at the factory. It was a short stint that brought me down to earth with a resounding thud. The grand designs and illusions I had concerning me and my working career came crashing down. I think God knew I urgently needed that detour. It taught me a lot about success, opportunity, advancement and achievement.
At this famous factory I met a messenger who had worked there for 17 years. I was a brand new upwardly mobile executive proudly working my way into management. This human being (the messenger) did not strike me as much of a threat - least of all as a threat to my career. At most he would have been a stepping stone. However, by and by, I came to discover, that this minor being lived in his own house 50 kilometres away, owned three manyangas (latest edition public transport vehicles) and, of course, owned a piece of land on which he kept some dairy cattle... But he was just a messenger who (in my opinion) could not possibly have any coherent ambitions in life leave alone of a corporate career.
I had serious difficulty reconciling my thoughts about this fellow and I finally gathered the courage to confront him with his obviously incongruent achievements. Meanwhile, I was driving an attractive mid-range reconditioned automobile (company loan) that was popular among young executives with an insatiable desire for petrol, lived in suitable area in town (rented house), owned a TV (bank overdraft) and a recently acquired fridge (hire purchase). I was also in the process of securing more credit to buy the latest sofa set to complete my house furnishings... Just to help you identify with my pain and internal turmoil, this fellow's (messenger) gross salary was equivalent to what I paid in tax, yet he had achieved during his career what I hoped to achieve at the end of mine.
If you were me you would need to confront this fellow in order to maintain your sanity. And of course confirm that he was not a threat to your career. I did. I caught up with him one day and asked rather cheekily; What are you doing here?... Judging from what I hear you don't need this job. What are you doing here?...What he answered me was classic. You will never get this response anywhere, except from a person with messengerial tendencies. He said....
Young man all those things out there...house, matatus, shamba and all...were born out of this job and as we speak right now I have not milked all the opportunities this job provides me. If they (management) ask me to go I will go happily. But before they do I am going to milk as much from this opportunity as I can...
The words sank deep, hard and convicting. No - this fellow was not a threat to my career. I - was a threat to my own career! I may not have worked for 17 years but I was definitely passed half way. At the rate at which I was accumulating debt I would have to struggle to reach zero before I could own anything. All the while I thought my career was advancing nicely up the corporate ranks. Instead of milking the opportunity I was busy drinking the milk. I was prospering in a manner that threatened my Personal Development.
...Do you know what is so unfair about all this? It is the fact that the "small guys" are always better at milking than the "big guys". In fact I doubt whether any of the big guys know how to milk. If a cow stood in front of a big guy he would not know what it is. How do we become so blind to opportunity!?... If I would have it this fellow was indeed a "stepping stone" to my success.
Excerpt from My First Job, ISBN9966-809-07-4 By Allan Bukusi.
Reproduced with permission get the book from Book Point Nairobi or contact mdi@mdi.co.ke
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Letting go…
The storm brewed… the trees swayed to the song of the wind...
She ran across the fields her hair flying with the wind…
Her tears trailed down her cheeks……
She bit her lip hard to stop the scream that threatened to rip from inside her being!
Why? She asked God shouting at the ominous clouds above…
Her mind fleeted back to the talks they had had...
The openness of their conversations…
The ways his eyes lit in mischief…
The curl of his lips, hinting a smile…
For a second she smiled remembering him...
In remembrance of a man who made her feel alive ...
Why! She asked again her sobs tearing at her...
The rain started falling as if in answer to her plea…
She stood in the rain...
Her arms outstretched in surrender...
Her body swaying to the howl of the wind...
Her tears were now mingled with the raindrops…
And with each clasp of thunder…
Her body shuddered in response….
A single leaf fell from the sky to her open palm.
As if a response from the almighty.
Clasping the leaf she trod back home.
She ran across the fields her hair flying with the wind…
Her tears trailed down her cheeks……
She bit her lip hard to stop the scream that threatened to rip from inside her being!
Why? She asked God shouting at the ominous clouds above…
Her mind fleeted back to the talks they had had...
The openness of their conversations…
The ways his eyes lit in mischief…
The curl of his lips, hinting a smile…
For a second she smiled remembering him...
In remembrance of a man who made her feel alive ...
Why! She asked again her sobs tearing at her...
The rain started falling as if in answer to her plea…
She stood in the rain...
Her arms outstretched in surrender...
Her body swaying to the howl of the wind...
Her tears were now mingled with the raindrops…
And with each clasp of thunder…
Her body shuddered in response….
A single leaf fell from the sky to her open palm.
As if a response from the almighty.
Clasping the leaf she trod back home.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Don't Quit..
This forward says alot:
One day I decided to quit...I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me... "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied. "When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo." He said. "In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle." He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?" "I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you. Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful." "Your time will come," God said to me. "You will rise high" "How high should I rise?" I asked. "How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return. "As high as it can?" I questioned. "Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can." I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you. He will never give up on you. Never regret a day in your life. Good days give you happiness; bad days give you experiences; both are essential to life "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."
One day I decided to quit...I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me... "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied. "When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo." He said. "In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle." He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?" "I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you. Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful." "Your time will come," God said to me. "You will rise high" "How high should I rise?" I asked. "How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return. "As high as it can?" I questioned. "Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can." I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you. He will never give up on you. Never regret a day in your life. Good days give you happiness; bad days give you experiences; both are essential to life "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."
my goodbye...
I have known you for long enough...
Still have not known you at all...
You touched a chord in my heart that no one else had before...
Still it didn’t magically make us compatible.
Now enough years down the line...
My heart still yearns for you despite my good sense.
But....
Futility is the pursuit of that which is beyond your reach...
Such as a relationship between two people who are built so differently...
I shall stop running after the wind...
Realization that I will never catch a shooting star has finally dawned.
And toughest of all... loving someone doesn’t guarantee that they will love you back...
And most importantly, even when they love you back....don’t mean it will work.
So, keep well beloved...
I pray that God's love and grace overshadow every hurt in your life.
I pray for sunny days ahead.
I pray for a love in your life that will match you.
I pray your faith remains firm.
And always be still and know…you were loved.
Still have not known you at all...
You touched a chord in my heart that no one else had before...
Still it didn’t magically make us compatible.
Now enough years down the line...
My heart still yearns for you despite my good sense.
But....
Futility is the pursuit of that which is beyond your reach...
Such as a relationship between two people who are built so differently...
I shall stop running after the wind...
Realization that I will never catch a shooting star has finally dawned.
And toughest of all... loving someone doesn’t guarantee that they will love you back...
And most importantly, even when they love you back....don’t mean it will work.
So, keep well beloved...
I pray that God's love and grace overshadow every hurt in your life.
I pray for sunny days ahead.
I pray for a love in your life that will match you.
I pray your faith remains firm.
And always be still and know…you were loved.
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